I have known for a few years now that I would eventually do a 10k on the track...I just didn't know it would take this long. It had been a very long time since I ran a race on the track and I was starting to doubt whether I would ever make it back. It hasn't been an easy two years for me and my hardships in running were beginning to take a toll on me not only physically, but emotionally. This past summer and fall were especially hard until I finally recognized that I was fighting a losing battle against depression. It is never easy for someone like me to admit that they are sick, injured, or need help. I like to keep things to myself and take care of things myself, but doing that was only digging a deeper hole. So I sucked it up, asked for some help and got it. With that I took on a new attitude and outlook on life. We can't change the past, we can't live in the past, and we can't always control the things that happen to us. But we can control how we respond to those things and the attitude we have towards them.
The theme so far this spring has been "a whole new me," which is actually kind of a misnomer because it isn't exactly that I am a different person, I am just seeing myself for who I am really am and letting that come through to those around me. I think I was trying to hard to be who I thought I was supposed to be, who I thought people wanted me to be. Or maybe I was trying hard just not to be noticed because when people don't notice you, they don't expect things from you and you can't really disappoint them. But that is no way to live. I have too much to offer and it is time that I start showing that side of me. In my running career I constantly reflect on the breakout season I had in 2008 and how I wish I could just get back to being that runner. The truth is, that runner is part of my past and I can't go backwards, I can only look ahead. Yes, I was a great runner then. But I have done a lot of growing from that time both as a runner and as a person. I shouldn't want to go back but rather I should focus on who I am now and the things I can do to become a better me. Like I said, there are things in my life that I probably can't change. The best I can do is accept them with a positive attitude and a determination to make the best out of what life has given me. By adopting this new attitude over the past couple months I have become a MUCH happier person and I think that has had a dramatic impact on my training and racing. My relationships with my friends are also much stronger and my confidence in my self and my abilities is starting to grow back. I don't expect it to be all peachy from here on out, but I am excited to see what life brings next.
Oh yeah, about that race! I was a bit nervous, but actually felt really good and positive going into it. I knew what I had to do to get the qualifying time for USA's and that was honestly my only goal. Race conditions were perfect, I listened to my coaches about going out easy, and I have to admit I owned that race! I couldn't believe how steady I was able to remain ticking off the laps in identical times. I felt really under control for the first time in a long time. Not going to lie, the second 5k was substantially harder, but I was still able to hold the same pace which was very encouraging. The old me showed a little bit after the race when I was happy, but didn't want to act like I was overjoyed. There is still a lot of work to be done and a lot of time to drop. But, what I have learned over the past 2 years is that you have to give yourself credit even for the small stuff. So I will- I am going to pat myself on the back and say "great race!" Considering what the past 2 years have been like, I really have to be happy with what I was able to do out there. Now I just hope I can keep the same attitude and keep it rolling. And a huge thank you to all of my "coaches" out on the track that night. I had no less that 6 people out there giving me splits, directions, and encouragement. I was never running alone out there and I could not have done it without you guys! :) So here's to track and field 2011- let's do work and get after it!
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